To say it’s been an interesting past few years would be an understatement. When I came out to my wife about my ABDL side, I thought that would be the most difficult conversation I would ever have with her. Fast forward a couple years, here I am with another major realization to share, “Honey, I think I’m bisexual…” Why is this change in sexuality surfacing now? This is disorienting and a lot to process. However, before I share these feelings with my wife, I need further self-reflection.
I should probably back up a bit. My first serious realization of a shift in sexuality started about a year and a half ago. It occurred after my wife and I experimented with some different things in the bedroom. I enjoyed some play that (I imagine) most heterosexual males would probably not be interested in. Like really enjoyed.
From the physical scene to the fantasies generated, the entire experience was stimulating both emotionally and physically. It was confusing, yet exhilarating and engaging. But I also felt…guilty for these feelings and thoughts. These fantasies and feelings kept returning, peaking over the past several months.
Additionally, I have been wrestling with conflicting thoughts and occasional intense feelings for another man. Let’s call this individual “Guy” for simplicity. It is the development of this relationship that brought to a head the struggles with my sexuality.
A New Friendship
My relationship with Guy started off as any new friendship might. We initially met over social media then in person at CAPCon. For the several months after CAPCon, we messaged with increasing frequency. I enjoyed receiving messages from him. Our discussions ranged from work to favorite movies to kink. Slowly, the friendship became more familiar and stronger as we established mutual trust. Then one day, I noticed fleeting thoughts of a more sexual persuasion towards Guy. I felt embarrassed and horribly guilty for feeling this way.
From the moment I met him, I saw something different inside him. His physical appearance and business acumen commanded respect. And yet I was one of the few that also knew about the softer side of his inner child too. He was intelligent, funny, and had an intriguing character. I started to notice a steady growth in the “zing” of anticipation when he would message me.
About six months into our friendship I received a message of a more personal nature from him. Turns out I wasn’t the only one feeling the tug of attraction. I could breathe a bit easier knowing the feelings were mutual. I’m so thankful he spoke up. In hindsight, I was embarrassed about my own unexpected attraction to say anything first. Experiencing feelings of this nature for a another man is foreign to me.
In his message, Guy also expressed respect for the relationship between my wife and I. When I told him he wasn’t off base about the attraction being mutual, he added, “Beyond becoming close friends and occasionally snuggling, anything further than that is going to come from you. I don’t want to, even accidently, come between you both. If/when you two are more comfortable with more than that, we can talk about it then.” I appreciated his acknowledgement of my marital relationship.
Nevertheless, what has developed since our initial face-to-face meeting has been more engaging than I ever would have imagined. He supports me both in adult and little ways. Guy has become a trusted friend that has helped me discover parts of me that I didn’t even know existed. So much so, that he’s become one of my closest and most valued friends.
I initially received his message during an impromptu lunch with my wife. I shared his message with her. It didn’t even occur to me not to.
Sharing my own feelings about him with her was more…complicated. I required more time to process my emotions.
Between my reactions to the sexual play over a year ago and these developing curiosities for Guy, I felt torn. It isn’t that I don’t love and have amorous feelings for my wife anymore. She’s beautiful to me physically and intellectually. But how then are all of these feelings toward another man possible?
One day the light bulb clicked on. Could it be that maybe I’m bisexual; sexually attracted to both men and women? Or is this a case of my feelings being blurred by New Relationship Energy? And how do I determine the answer?
Am I Broken?
Author’s Caution: This next section contains a brief reference to a mild sexual encounter that occurred between myself and a similar aged friend during childhood.
As I began to wrestle with the possibility bisexuality, I kept asking myself, “Where is this coming from?” I thought surely there must be some past life experiences to indicate the possibility of bisexual desires. I had occasionally wondered about bisexuality off and on but those thoughts were usually overshadowed by heterosexual relationships I was in at the time.
There is one distinct sexual experience with another person that might be the first indication. This scenario has played back in my mind off and on for years. I believe the potential for bisexualism has always been there; albeit lying dormant. Let me explain.
My first glimpse of sexuality was with a childhood friend of mine. It was during a sleepover at his house. We showed each other our erections between playing video games on his Nintendo. Time froze for a brief moment. I recall feeling more aroused when I saw his erect penis. I’m sure the moment only lasted a few seconds. My reaction to this encounter was against everything I thought was normal and acceptable. I was embarrassed and ashamed of my feelings afterwards. This type of display never happened again. My friend and I never spoke about the experience.
I hadn’t thought about that encounter for a long time. Perhaps I subconsciously shelved it for awhile while life happened.
Now I know one experience by itself does not form a person’s sexuality, but it does shed light on my current emotional struggles. Knowing that sexual feelings toward another male have been possible, since at least puberty, gives a strange sense of comfort. Why these intense emotions have come back so suddenly, I am still at a loss to explain. Regardless, based on this memory, my inclination for same-sex attraction has probably been there from childhood.
I didn’t consciously choose this path. I think this path chose me.
Ugh. Why me? Why now?
I’ve only had one sexual partner my whole life. It’s not that I was caught up in the whole “waiting for marriage” or “waiting for ‘the one’” beliefs. My wife and I had plenty of sex before we were married. It’s not that other sexual opportunities didn’t present themselves, I just wasn’t emotionally ready. And beyond that one encounter in puberty, none of my previous relationships involved another guy.
Bottomline, I feel like a complete mess being in my mid-thirties, married to an incredible woman with two amazing kids and questioning my sexual orientation. Sometimes I get mad at myself. I feel as though I should just buck up and shelve this for another 20 years. Why am I just now trying to figure this all out?!
How do I figure this all out? Can/should I even try to figure it out given where I’m at in life? Lots of questions swirl around in my mind.
Bisexual – what exactly does that mean?
The dictionary definition of bisexual contains the words, “sexually attracted”. On the surface that’s pretty easy to understand and certainly fits my current feelings, but it definitely doesn’t provide any insight into how one navigates those feelings.
Attracted doesn’t imply a sexual encounter or being sexually intimate. Based on my recent experiences, this definition indicates that yes, I’m bisexual.
Not satisfied with this surface and seemingly “text book” conclusion, I continued my quest for more information. Enter stage left, the Kinsey Scale.
The Kinsey Scale is used in the scientific research world to describe a person’s sexual orientation based on their experience or response at a given time. There are several online tests (Google it) that can help place you on the scale.
One thing to note is the Kinsey Scale does not address all possible sexual identities either. The scale ranges from 0 to 6 with an additional category of “X” which means, no socio-sexual contacts or reactions. Per the Kinsey Institute, “An official Kinsey test does not exist, which is contrary to popular belief and many tests across the web.”
I have taken several different unofficial online Kinsey Scale tests over the past year and they consistently return a 3; equally heterosexual and homosexual.
The Kinsey Scale results are revealing, but I still don’t feel it confirms my bisexuality. After all I’ve never had an intimate sexual experience with another guy. Sexual encounter questions were only in one of the Kinsey Scale quizzes I took. Are feelings, fantasies, and desires enough to determine your sexuality? Logically that makes sense because you can desire a heterosexual partner but still be a heterosexual virgin.
I want to know, is a sexual (physical) encounter with the same sex a requirement to confirm you are bisexual? I enjoy sex with my wife. She’s sexually attractive to me. What if the man that triggered all these feelings identifies as mostly asexual? Does that change my feelings on my own bisexuality?
For me, sex is more than a physical encounter. It’s an emotional, personal, and bonding experience. Sex is not like adding a side salad to my food order (buttermilk ranch, please). My perspective on sex likely stems from my introverted personality.
If sex with my wife affirms my relationship with her and is the basis for heterosexualy, again, how do I confirm my bisexuality without a physical encounter?
I suppose it depends on how one defines “physical encounter.” Upon consideration, sex is only one outlet for a physical encounter. If one alters their perspective of physical encounter equaling sex, then new possibilities for physical encounters emerge.
My Sexuality 2.0
All of these feelings, emotions, and questions have caused me much internal conflict and heartache. It has almost reached crisis level a few times. I find writing helpful to document my feelings and struggles. Writing allows me some ability to process my thoughts, consider facts and not just feelings.
And while, at times, it has felt as though I was navigating an amusement park populated with rides named Gut Twister, High-Low Peaks, and Panic Point Tower, I am slowly regaining my balance. I was fortunate not to lose my lunch on the journey.
A silver lining from this emotional tug-of-war is the exhilaration of feeling alive. At times I feel guilty about this exhilaration, but it’s more like a side dish at a potluck dinner. It adds depth to the experience without being the complete focus.
Ultimately I’ve decided a physical encounter is not a requirement to somehow prove or validate one’s sexuality. If, someday, a physical encounter would happen organically from a mature relationship, I would be open to that experience I with the right guy.
But regardless of the physical aspect, my feelings and my sexuality struggles are real. This is more than a phase. This is a massive realization on my life journey.
At this point, I consider myself at least bisexual. For sure I am not straight.
This term provides me a starting point for more conversation and additional self-reflection. It’s like resurfacing after swimming underwater; a breath of fresh air.
With my self-conclusion in hand, it was time to talk to my wife.
Sharing This With My Wife
Sharing my ABDL side with my wife was no cake walk. Can you imagine your partner of 10 years suddenly coming out and saying,
“Surprise honey! I like to wear diapers and regress as a baby…”
It was tough, but my ABDL side has also been there in one form or another for as long as I can remember. I had, for the most part, fully processed my feelings before I shared the information with her. However these bisexual feelings aren’t as long lived as the diapers and not as fully explored.
Now imagine a similar conversation with that same spouse, only this time you say,
“Surprise honey! I’m sexually attracted to men!”
Yep, it is as excruciatingly painful as it reads. Sharing my ABDL side doesn’t hold a candle to sharing this shocking revelation.
I was terrified that she would say, “F this! This is not what I signed up for. I’m out.” And honestly I wouldn’t blame her if she did. I’d be heartbroken, but wouldn’t blame her one bit. First the diapers and now this? At this point, she married but a small sliver of the person I have discovered myself to be.
Not only that, but the person I am revealing is a far cry from the normal script society has followed for generations. As before, regardless of my fears, I still needed to talk about this with her. I owed that to her as my wife and my best friend.
Fortunately, she already knew that I had frequently been waking up in the middle of the night over the past few months and writing in my journal.
But how exactly do I present this new life revelation?
I decided to let her read about my struggles via one of my early morning, rambling journal posts. It was a slop mix of bisexuality, polyamory, and feelings about Guy. I cautioned that she might not be comfortable with some of what she was about to read. I urged her to ask questions after reading. Her initial comment was, “Nothing in here is really a surprise to me.”
Now to be fair, we previously talked about Guy’s message, but it still wasn’t exactly the reaction I expected. I was envisioning a repeat of the awkward conversation when revealing my ABDL side to her. A conversation that was so awkward, it plays into my nickname, Rex.
I have probably spent hundreds of hours in self-reflection and writing in my journal. The majority of recent writings center around my internal struggles of feelings towards both my wife and Guy. She means the world to me. But these other feelings just won’t dry up like dew in the midday sun either.
The relationship with Guy feels different than the relationship with my wife too. I am not exactly sure how. So how do I communicate this? It feels more like multiplication of love, not division as one might expect. I hope my actions demonstrate this multiplication – to both my wife and Guy.
Since telling my wife, I’ve let myself explore homosexual feelings a bit more in my head and heart. It feels natural. I’ve become much more comfortable with myself too. I’m know I’m attracted to both sexes. For now, bisexuality fits, but I think there is still more here.
So what now? Well…I don’t know. I am more comfortable with the idea of being bisexual, but still question the physical encounter component. How does a bisexual physical encounter manifest itself while still maintaining the sanctity of my marriage? Does it have to manifest itself to maintain my conclusion of bisexuality? Time will tell.
Another looming concern I have is that by sharing my feelings about this with my wife I have now compromised our relationship. She has expressed her confusion over how our marriage continues to be what it is while I experience feelings of this nature. Regardless of how my relationship with Guy evolves, I will honor my commitment to her and our children.
I’m also fearful that I’m being selfish for even bringing up my struggles and desires to her at all.
On the flip side this is a huge personal discovery and I know deep down that not talking about all of this could result in tragic consequences further down the road. Revelations of this type and magnitude have broken marriages. I’d rather talk it over gradually as things come up. This prevents the appearance of lies by omission, pent-up emotions followed by dramatic confrontation, and, ultimately, grief from broken trust.
I plan to also pursue some professional help to sort through all of this as well. In fact, this post has been a catalyst for me to contact Kink Aware Psychologists and therapists that are knowledgeable with these situations. I’m meeting with one in couple weeks to talk. I may write about results of these discussions, I may not. I am optimistic outside assistance provides further insight and clarification for my situation.
Communication and honesty are important in any relationship. It’s not my intent to hurt anyone during my self-discovery. Will my sexual revelation change things? Of course it will. I’d be naive if I didn’t think it wouldn’t change some things. But change isn’t always synonymous with bad. I am hopeful that continued communication will maintain all my relationships.
My wife and I still have a lot to discuss. So do Guy and I. They now know about my sexuality struggles. We have a lot to figure out as we navigate this new territory.
One thing my wife and I fully agree on is that we want to raise our kids with open minds. We hope they can help shape a world where the gender(s) of the one(s) you love are no longer a point of contention in society. We can’t change the whole world, but we can start here at home with two kiddos that are a small part of the next generation.
As they say, be the change you want to see in the world.
Hugs & crinkles,