An expedition into my life as an ABDL
Welcome back! This series of write-ups was inspired by some journal posts a good friend of mine shared with me. After reading them, I decided I should document my own personal journey as a lifelong ABDL.
If you haven’t already, you might want to head over to read my other posts in this series:
- My Personal ABDL Journey: Part 1 – In the beginning
- My Personal ABDL Journey: Part 2 – The middle years
After I moved to college, I don’t recall much about my ABDL side beyond the occasional fantasy about diapers. Most of my ABDL thoughts were diaper related fascinations during masturbation. (I have a whole post planned later that will go down that rabbit hole…)
There was one pinnacle ABDL moment in college.
I was a senior when my, now, wife and I took a Human Sexuality class together. Looking back this was one of the handful of classes that I truly enjoyed and learned the most from in college. I didn’t miss a single lecture.
This Human Sexuality class exposed me to more in one semester than all the years of “health” classes growing up.
One particular lecture late that fall semester was on kink and fetishes. The class was made up primarily of small town kids that all giggled and snickered when the local BDSM student group came into do the lecture that day.
I was fascinated by it all and tried to absorb as much as possible.
The professor closed the class by briefly expanding on a couple other types of kink and fetishes. I about fell out of my chair when I heard them say “diapers” and “infantilism”. I recall thinking, “Holy sh-t! Did they just say diapers?”
The world came to a screeching halt. The rest of the room blurred away.
I had to pause to think about that for a minute. I thought to myself,
“You mean there are others out there like me? All of this has a clinical name!?!?”
Sure I had searched diapers on the Internet before and found sites like DPF and Deeker (both now defunked), but somehow I had never run into the term infantilism before.
I couldn’t wait to go back to my apartment later to do some additional research. (This was before smartphones were…good).
My first Google hit on “Infantilism” was BitterGrey’s site, which still exists today. I consumed nearly every page of the site that evening in my apartment.
I was relieved to finally have a name for all of this. It was helpful for me to learn that others have struggled with a similar spectrum of emotions.
After reading BitterGrey’s site, I didn’t feel as broken as I had originally thought I was. Despite learning more in college about diaper kink and discovering there was a whole community of ABDLs out there, I was still a long way off from self-acceptance.
I still fooled myself into thinking that, even after all this time, it might just all go away someday.
Adult life – Act one: informed but still in self-denial
After graduation from college, I moved to Kansas City for work. I lived with a college friend of mine whom had moved down a few months prior, also for work.
I would occasionally wear Goodnites when I knew he would be gone for work, but the evidence was always meticulously disposed of before he returned. This pattern of wearing Goodnites, when possible, was fairly consistent until my marriage when I again felt that this was not “normal” behavior.
Guilt. Shame. Binge and purge.
During the first year of marriage, my wife traveled a lot for work. We were both starting our careers and were working hard to climb the corporate ladder.
Despite working hard and keeping diapers way back in my mind, my ABDL desires did gradually return – they always seem to…
When my wife was away on business trips, I would sneak down to the local grocery store and work up the nerve to purchase a pack of pull-ups. I would only wear these when she was gone overnight and, just as before, ensure the evidence was meticulously disposed of before her return.
Guilt. Shame. Binge and purge.
About a year into our marriage we bought a house. One of the bedrooms was decorated as a nursery. The room was painted a muted baby green with a complimentary choo-choo train and teddy bear wallpaper border that circled the whole room. The window had standard blinds with a light green and blue check patterned valance.
I sometimes would go into that empty room and just lay on the floor.
I would lay there and pretend I was laying in my nursery. Looking back, this was my first realization I had a bit of an Adult Baby (AB) side. I was so happy and carefree…for a few minutes anyway…
Unfortunately my thoughts would quickly turn to something like, “This is so dumb. Get up! You’re a grown man! It’s not normal to feel/act this way!”
Guilt. Shame. Binge and purge.
My wife and I decided late that summer to start a family of our own.
It had only been a few months since moving into the house but having a baby of our own felt like the next progression in life.
In the fall of 2005, our son was born. He was pretty awesome except for the fact that he didn’t really sleep through the night. For. Thirteen. Months!
During this time, the furthest thing from my mind was a diaper for myself.
My ABDL side took a hiatus. I was just too tired…
In the spring of 2009, my daughter was born. We got on the sleep thing right away with her. She slept great!
Now some might think that having their own chronological kiddos around would cause an ABDL to think more about diapers and/or baby related things. That wasn’t the case for me.
Parenting and my ABDL side were two different things.
I put my parenting hat on for parenting. When I wanted to relax or to mentally escape, I would (occasionally) let my mind wonder towards ABDL thoughts for myself.
I quickly realized that having kids of our own was a great excuse for doing fun kid things myself too! 🙂
In my next post, I will talk about an event that eventually led to greater self-acceptance and telling my wife about my ABDL side.
Are you an ABDL that is also a parent? I’d love to hear your experiences and how you find balance. Share your comments below!
If you would prefer, you can use the Contact Rex page to send a message to me privately.
Hugs and crinkles,