An expedition into my life as an ABDL
Welcome back! This series of write-ups was inspired by some journal posts a good friend of mine shared with me. After reading them, I decided I should document my own personal journey as a lifelong ABDL.
If you haven’t already, you might want to head over to read my other posts in this series:
- My Personal ABDL Journey: Part 1 – In the beginning
- My Personal ABDL Journey: Part 2 – The middle years
- My Personal ABDL Journey: Part 3 – College life
The return of bedwetting has unexpected results
During one of the winters between my son’s birth and my daughter’s, I woke up in the middle of the night. I had the worst chills I’ve ever had in my life. I laid there and tried to go back to sleep, but couldn’t.
I quickly realized that something was very wrong.
I didn’t want to have to wake a sleeping infant to go hang out in a hospital ER for the night. So, I told my wife I was going to drive myself to the ER.
Upon my arrival, I could barely sign-in I was shaking so violently. I told them I thought I might have a UTI or something (I had a mild burning sensation using the bathroom before bed) and that I couldn’t control my shaking. They gave me a blanket while I waited but it did very little to help.
I thought briefly that this was it, tonight would be my last night. I was scared.
After some lab work and physical exam, the diagnosis was a bacterial infection of the prostate (acute bacterial prostatitis). The ER doctor said these typically start suddenly and may include flu-like symptoms. Boy, they got that suddenly part right; I felt horrible.
They gave me some medication to help with the symptoms and a strong antibiotic to help with the infection.
The doctor told me that had I waited another couple hours to come in, I likely would have been arriving in an ambulance.
I called in sick to work the next morning and I slept nearly the whole day. I felt a lot better when I woke up.
Now at this point you might be wondering, why I am sharing this peculiar story. Well, do you recall the bedwetting from growing up?
A few weeks after my ER visit, the bedwetting returned.
It wasn’t every night and it wasn’t like soaking through the sheets, but there were several times (maybe a few times per week) where I would wake up and my pajama pants would be wet enough to require me to get up and change them.
I was too embarrassed to tell my wife about it right away.
Now some ABDLs (myself included) might have, at one point or another, fantasized about losing complete bladder control and having to wear diapers all the time. I quickly realized that bladder incontinence made for better fantasy than reality.
The bedwetting got to be quite annoying and was starting to negatively impact my sleep and overall mood.
I finally told my wife about my struggles with the bedwetting. I also called my general practice doctor to ask what I should do. He said that there could have been some temporary nerve damage from the infection but that it would likely go away after some time. If not, he recommended I see a urologist.
The bedwetting continued for a few more months before I finally went to see a urologist.
After another physical exam, the urologist said everything appeared normal. He agreed with my primary doctor that the bedwetting was likely a residual effect of the original infection. There weren’t many options that weren’t surgical or long-term prescription based.
The doctor said if it would make me feel better I could wear “heavier protection” to bed at night… I knew what he meant.
My experience with diapers up to this point had primarily been with Goodnites pull-ups. I hadn’t ever seriously researched adult diapers for myself before. I guess it was because I knew deep down that I’d likely just wear a couple times and purge it all again, like I had done countless times before.
I was vaguely familiar with a couple of the ABDL friendly brands at the time, albeit, this wasn’t exactly the time or place for cute diaper prints.
At first, I just tried common ways to prevent bedwetting, reducing water intake and using the restroom immediately before bed. While I was okay with occasionally, wearing a diaper, that was only without another person’s knowledge. I was not comfortable even talking about wearing a diaper, let alone wearing one with my wife knowing.
Shortly thereafter I couldn’t take it anymore. I broke down and I talked to my wife about my issues including what the urologist recommended to be more comfortable at night.
She said she would support me in whatever I wanted to do.
I tried Goodnites pull-ups first but quickly realized that despite being a smaller guy, my waist had gotten a little too large to make those work anymore.
Next I ordered a couple sample sizes of the all-white Biancos from Bambino. After I figured out the mediums fit the best, I ordered a couple of bags.
Even though my wife knew and helped me size-up the diaper samples, I was still too embarrassed to actually wear a diaper to bed in front of her.
I would usually wait until after she fell asleep, slip off to the bedroom closet, put a diaper on in the dark and sneak back into bed. Since I usually woke up before her in the morning, I could dispose of the wet diaper before she woke up.
It was so nice to actually sleep again without having to worry about wet pajamas or wet sheets.
The bedwetting did eventually stop. But it wasn’t until after my daughter’s birth that I had an epiphany.
Though I was initially wearing for a medical reason it had the unexpected result of me finally starting to accept the fact that I enjoyed wearing diapers. I felt safe in them. I felt happy in them. I felt like…me. Truly and authentically me.
This diaper thing wasn’t ever going away and ABDL was a much bigger part of my core personality than I had ever realized. I had reached a turning point.
After suppressing this for so many years, being forced to wear diapers due to medical reasons, allowed me to finally accept who I had always been.
However, the guilt of keeping this part of myself from my wife quickly started to build…
In my final journey post, the weight of this whole ABDL thing finally overcomes me. The guilt of suppressing this new found self-awareness brings me to a turning point. I decide I have to tell my wife…
Have you ever had to deal with a situation like this before? Something totally out of your control and yet it gave you freedom, self-acceptance or love in unexpected ways? How did you handle it? I’d love to hear your experiences in the comments below.
If you would prefer, you can use the Contact Rex page to send a message to me privately.
Hugs and crinkles,
Rex (BelovedRex)
This is so well written Rex. I can’t wait for each new part to get posted.